Learn how helping kids understand life’s final goodbyes can make them more resilient and prepared for the future.
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Guiding a child through grief is an emotionally intricate task, full of nuances that sometimes seem beyond words (way more than getting them to take a flu shot). When a young person encounters loss for the first time, it stirs questions that are hard to answer and emotions that are, well, to put it mildly, complex. Yet, as guardians of their emotional development, parents have a unique role: they stand at the gates of these final goodbyes. They’re entrusted with the ever-so-delicate task of explaining loss, of helping a child understand what it means when someone they love is no longer there.
In moments like these, a parent’s first impulse is often to shield. To soften life’s harder edges in the hope of sparing their young ones unnecessary pain. But as modern psychology suggests, when it comes to helping kids understand life’s final goodbyes, hiding death behind euphemisms or avoiding these conversations altogether doesn’t do much good. Let’s expand!
Childhood and bereavement: the evolution of a complex conversation
In today’s world, parents tend to shield children from the raw realities of death (they might be struggling to understand the truth of the situation themselves). Funerals become off-limits, open coffins nearly obsolete, and phrases like passed away replace the bluntness of died. We’re told these are necessary buffers, protective barriers to keep life’s darker chapters out of a young child’s world. For many parents, this approach feels compassionate. Not wanting to expose their children to the starkness of the end is highly understandable.
Were things always the way they are now?
Nope, it wasn’t always this way. A century ago, children were part of death-related rituals, including wakes and funerals, where bodies were displayed in open caskets. Death was seen as a communal family experience. Something children could witness, ask questions about, and see as part of the lifecycle. The shift away from this transparency has influenced how children today perceive loss and understand mortality. According to a publication titled Bereavement: Reactions, Consequences, and Care, pushing death out of view can have the unintended consequence of inhibiting children’s emotional development and might lead them to experience anxiety around topics they perceive as too complex or frightening to discuss.
Why is it so important for kids to understand life’s final goodbyes?
When children are given the chance to understand death, they are better equipped to cope with the inevitable losses that come with life. According to the above publication, helping children grasp the concept of death – and the emotions that accompany it – can build their emotional resilience and enhance their overall psychological well-being.
Children who understand life’s final goodbyes are better equipped to face their losses and empathize with the grief of others. And perhaps most importantly, they learn that emotions, even hard ones (or, more likely, the hardest ones), are survivable.
Guidance for parents on helping kids understand life’s final goodbyes
Understanding of death may differ depending on age. However, all kids need the support of a caring adult to help them navigate these challenging feelings. Teaching children that grief is a natural, manageable emotion lays the groundwork for a healthier relationship with loss throughout their lives.
Openness and honesty: yes, but use simple language
When explaining death, clarity is kindness. While we may instinctively lean on vague phrases like passed away or gone to sleep, children benefit more from straightforward language. Say died rather than softer euphemisms, and explain that death means the person’s body has stopped working and they won’t be coming back. This honesty, delivered in the gentlest of manners, helps kids grasp what has happened without confusion.
It might be the time to address your coping with loss and grief
Before helping a child understand death, parents and guardians need to reflect on their attitudes toward loss. As emotionally grounding as it can be to talk openly with children, adults should be conscious of their feelings and seek support if needed. When adults show their skills at coping with loss and grief, they model resilience for their children, implicitly saying: “Grief is hard, but it’s something we can get through together.” Now, this doesn’t mean parents must appear stoic. Allowing oneself to express grief and modeling healthy coping shows children that it’s okay to feel and to heal over time.
Allow for questions and curiosity
As heavy as it is, children are naturally curious, and death stirs a thousand questions. Encourage these inquiries, and let them know that no question is too silly or strange. Permitting children to ask questions without judgment allows them to process death in a way that feels accessible. Answer in ways that are age-appropriate but never dismissive. They may ask about what happens after death, or they may simply ask why it had to happen. Either way, engaging with their curiosity signals respect and acknowledges their feelings.
Provide space for expression
Some children cope through talking, while others prefer drawing, storytelling, or play. Encourage children to express their emotions in whatever form they feel comfortable. A child might draw a picture, write a letter, or find comfort in a favorite story about saying goodbye. Whatever the medium, these expressions can be powerful therapeutic tools, giving children a safe way to release their emotions. Children who express their grief in their way may find it easier to cope with loss over time.
Don’t force closure too quickly
Grief is not something to be gotten over but carried, and children, like adults, need time. Rather than offering assurances to move on quickly, help them understand that they will feel better over time but that memories of a loved one can always remain. Encouraging them to keep pictures, stories, and small rituals can keep their connection to the deceased alive healthily.
Conclusion
Helping kids understand life’s final goodbyes is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, but it’s also one of the most meaningful. By speaking openly and empathetically about death, parents equip children with essential tools for emotional resilience. Allowing children to ask questions, encouraging expression, and guiding them through grief without sugarcoating or avoidance can help build the emotional foundation they’ll need throughout life. In the end, these conversations can remind children that, yes, life includes loss. But it also includes love, memory, and a shared journey through every goodbye.
