(apologies to Crockett Johnson, author of Harold and the Purple Crayon)
By Michael Gold
One night, after thinking it over for less than one second, Donald decided to bomb Iran.
Donald had many bombs, but Donald was told by the United States Constitution to discuss with Congress and the American people what to do with the bombs.
Donald decided he didn’t need to talk to Congress or the American people to bomb Iran. So he got his purple crayon and crossed them out. Congress and the American people didn’t exist anymore.
Then he drew a Secretary of Defense (sorry, Secretary of War), who drank too much, but looked great on television and loved big, giant guns and violent death and would do anything Donald wanted.
He drew a National Security Council advisor, to also do whatever Donald wanted. He didn’t need to draw a Secretary of State, because the National Security Council advisor would also be his Secretary of State. That saved Donald a lot of time.
He drew a director of national intelligence who said that only the President could decide if a threat to the country was imminent.
Donald was all set.
He used his purple crayon to draw the airplanes to carry the bombs. The airplanes flew off into the sky to bomb Iran.
Iran had a purple crayon too. Iran used its purple crayon to draw mines and drones and anti-ship missiles to close the Strait of Hormuz.
Iran’s purple crayon was terribly frightening. It could draw ballistic missiles, cruise missiles and cluster warheads too.
Donald didn’t know that Iran had a purple crayon!
How could he possibly have known about the existence of Iran’s purple crayon? Nobody told him anything about it.
He had used his purple crayon when he came into office again to cross out any people who might give him information that could hurt Donald’s viewpoints. Donald had made special red MAGA hats with big, bold white letters that said, “Trump Was Right About Everything.” So he didn’t need these other people. He didn’t need anybody. Especially not Europe.
But now, Donald backed away, afraid of Iran’s purple crayon. His deeply bruised hand, holding the purple crayon, started to shake.
He had accidentally drawn a quagmire. Which he immediately fell into.
But Donald was a genius, the smartest man who had ever lived, even smarter than the evil, but stupid Barack Obama. Donald came up thinking fast.
He drew a boat full of Marines to head to Iran. Who knew what they intended to do there? Not even Donald had a plan. But he would think of something.
Israel had a crayon of its own too. It drew planes and bombs to kill Iran’s leadership and damage Iran’s gas fields.
Then Iran used its crayon to make bombs to fly into oil and gas production facilities in Qatar, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and other places in the Persian Gulf that were important to the world economy. It did the same thing to Israeli cities and an Israeli oil refinery. And it had closed off the Strait of Hormuz.
This all made the price of oil skyrocket.
Donald went a little crazy. How could he run the world properly if all these other countries had crayons too?
Also, Donald’s purple crayon was running out of wax.
Donald’s Secretary of War said he needed $200 billion, so Donald could get more wax in his crayon and draw more bombs and planes to keep fighting Iran. The Secretary didn’t have $200 billion in his pocket. And America didn’t have $200 billion just lying around.
The Administration would have to ask Congress for the $200 billion.
But Donald had crossed out Congress.
So, Donald sighed. He had to draw a new Congress. And he would have to draw powerful new weapons to threaten Congress to do what he wanted and give him the $200 billion and also bow down to him.
Donald was very tired from all his purple crayon work. The crayon was tired too. Using some of the last bits of his crayon, Donald drew a state called Florida.
It was a very long state, with thousands of strip malls and theme parks and condos and golf courses. And he drew the weather, so it was always sunny.
Donald drew a 126-room mansion on the edge of Florida. It had many windows and gold fixtures. And 33 bathrooms. It looked a lot like a theme park. Which is why Donald liked what he drew so much.
Donald drew a bedroom. He drew gold leaf all over the bedroom. He drew a bed. He very badly wanted to lie down in his fabulous bed, you should see this bed, I will share with you a photo of this bed, he said, because of all the excellent crayon drawing he had done to make the bed.
He wanted to go to sleep. Even though Iran and Israel were not tired at all.
But Donald realized there was one thing missing, something he needed most of all.
He drew a Truth Social media platform. This was the one thing that could save Donald and his once powerful purple crayon. That, and $200 billion.
While lying down on his bed, Donald decided that he once he got the money from Congress, he would draw with his purple crayon many Truth Social posts to direct the war, build his White House ballroom (the finest anywhere in the world), close the Trump/Kennedy Center, again raise tariffs on Canada, send more ICE agents to terrorize American cities, invade Greenland, abandon Ukraine, keep sucking up to Russia and China, put the country more deeply into debt, sow chaos in the financial markets, shut down wind and solar projects, accelerate global warming as much as possible and run the world.
There were so many more things Donald had to do with his purple crayon. Donald wanted to drop the purple crayon to the floor, he was so tired. But then he realized there was one more thing he needed to draw. Before drifting off to sleep, he thought, “I can do anything I want with Cuba.”
Michael Gold is a Westchester based reporter whose work has been published in The New York Daily News, The Albany Times-Union, The Hartford Courant and other newspapers.
