By Ken Hesselbacher
Yonkers is a city just north of New York City, bordered on
the west by the majestic Hudson River. In downtown Yonkers, just
south of Getty Square, is the Yonkers YMCA. Deep within this
building there are two solid concrete rooms measuring 20’ by 40’ by
20”. This happens to be the exact dimension of standard four wall
handball courts.
During this long ago golden age (1970-1985) hundreds of men from all backgrounds would enter these courts to do battle with a hard black ball, opponents and, in some cases, themselves. There were two basic versions, singles and doubles. Younger players start out playing singles and as time and tide took its toll, would switch to doubles. Needless to say, placing four grown men and one hard black ball into a small room resulted in both mayhem and long lasting friendships. Of course there were many interesting stories.
Let me tell you one. I would call the story, “Three Moe’s and a Joe to Go” There were three players with the name Moe. There was Smart Moe. We called him Smart Moe because he was an accountant. He also had an accounting firm with many accountants working for his company. He was always impeccably dressed with a Rolex on his wrist and a diamond ring on his finger. He just seemed smart so we called him Smart Moe.
Then therewas Dumb Moe. Dumb Moe wasn’t really dumb. He was just a very very quiet guy who came to play and then leave. He either did not
have the time or interest in talking with the guys. So we just called him
Dumb Moe.
The third Moe was Dirty Moe. The reason we named him Dirty Moe was because he was dirty. There was a good reason that he was dirty. He worked for the Department of Highways and was involved with repairing and repaving roads. Once hot tar and gravel gets to you it does not let go. So he became Dirty Moe.
And the final character is Joe to Go. Joe was a former handball
player. He no longer played the game but he was always willing to
regale you with long ago tales of his prowess on the court. Joe
worked at the Y as the locker room attendant dispensing locks and
towels etc. Joe also supplemented his income as a marketing agent
for the “Numbers” game.
This was a well run, popular, and profitable business with one simple product. Every week you could select three numbers for $1.00 . If the three numbers came in, you would receive $600.00. Smart Moe would provide tax advice if requested.
Now Smart Moe did not play this game because he was very good with
numbers and did not feel that the odds were in his favor. Dumb Moe
did not play and, as usual, preferred not to talk about it. Dirty Moe
played the game religiously! A buck a week was no big deal and $ 600 bucks was a big deal! And one day Dirty Moe’s number finally came in!
I should mention one small shortcoming in this seemingly simple and
efficient game. There was always the temptation that a marketing
agent would take the number and the dollar but not report the
transaction to management. The probability of the number hitting was
very small and who would know. Of course there was always the very
small risk that the number would come in.
This is what happened with Dirty Moe. And when that happened is when Joe got his nickname, “Joe to Go.” Joe decided that the best solution to his problem was to go. I believe the expression for this alternative is to “take a runner”.
Dirty Moe was distraught. He was also very vocal and went to all the
local bars and gin-mills complaining about his plight. A week later,
sitting in the locker room, he was still complaining to all the handball
guys. Suddenly, two very large gentlemen entered the locker room.
They looked more like sumo wrestlers than handball players!
They inquired who was the gentlemen known as Dirty Moe. When everyone
turned and stared at Dirty Moe, they figured out who Dirty Moe was.
They approached him and slowly counted out $600 which they gave
to him. They then gave him some extra money to compensate him for
his inconvenience. Then they very carefully explained to him that the
success of their business was predicated upon customer satisfaction.
Dirty Moe’s vocal complaints did not have a good effect on customer
satisfaction. They recommended that he make certain that all the
negative publicity that he had generated was corrected and turned
into positive publicity. In the event that this did not happen, Dirty
Moe might not be permitted to play “Numbers”. He might also not be
able to play his beloved handball for a while.
Dirty Moe was certainly not dumb. He understood the message and
made sure that everyone knew what a wonderful game numbers was.
He added that his two favorite games were Numbers and Handball, in
that order!
And once again there was joy and peace at the Yonkers Y with handballs and handball players flying around the courts. Now I am sure that you are wondering what ever happened to “ Joe to Go”? Well, so do all of his handball buddies. We just hope that he is still going.
P. S. Yes, there is a City of Yonkers, a Yonkers YMCA and there was a
Golden Age of Yonkers Handball. All else is mostly fiction created by
myself.
Ken Hesselbacher is a freelance journalist in Westchester. He can be reached at kenhess21@yahoo.com.
